Mr. President.

So many people give barack credit just because hes black, but many dont see that this man is a symbol for hope and for change in this nation. Mr. Obama was inaugurated yesterday afternoon in D.C. in front of the most people to ever turn out to an inauguration. you can see it in his eyes, along with the eyes of every spectator that as of yesterday all our lives are changed. To stand up and say "somebody who's father couldnt eat in a restaurant because the color of his skin, is now the 44th president of the united states" WHHHATTTT!. preach obama, preaaach.


I didnt vote for obama because he was black. which by the way he is HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE. makin him our 1st bi-racial president. but anywho, he stand up for real problems, his ideals are genuine and you never feel as if hes bein phoney. this man gives hope to everyone, and for all the minorities who claim they cant do things because of their color, or play the race -card. i hope this shuts everyone up, cuz our president is BROWN. lolz (i did that just for u rob)

The crowd that turned out for mr. obama's speech was made up of every race, color, gender, ethnicity, religion, and age. THIS is how its supposed to be. every walk of life coming together to reach a common goal. PEACE AND FREEDOM. for many years we lost touch of the american dream. why all our ancestors came to america in the first place. but i have faith that obama will restore that dream in all of us, even change the minds of the more ignorant ones across the country. and who knows, maybe other countries will be inspired by what a country so large, so strong, and so dedicated can do when they put their minds and beliefs to it, anything is possible.

Mr. Obama, thanks for making us all believe again.

ITS TIME FOR A CHANGE .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY(S) @ Tha Cribb !

January is m'fckn FULL of bdays. so for the past 2 weeks we been havin lil celebrations for all my ppls @ my apt... but the BIG one is jan. 31st. Holler for details.. but heas some visualsssss .

Happy Birthday to My Partna in Crime Maria, My Lil Sis Shar, My Roomie & best friend Alex, Big head Karina, Miss Jerrika, MY BOO AND FAV NEIGHBOR Arlene, AND MR BENNY.












































hahah karina was tippinnnnn


Me && my Best friend mikkkkee


JOVANNNNN!









goo kaylzzz

Thats MR. D Wade to YOUUU .

MMMM just wanted to point out how mutha effin sexy he isss.. and i will be buyin my tix soon to see him @ my job against tha celticssss for my bday. YUP YUP.

and yes he is ahead of lebron, kobe, garnet, everryonee in the nba for points in a game.. thats my boooo lolz.

For some reason..

i cant seem to hide my feelings nemore. geesh. im usually good at coverin shit up wit a smile. until yesterday/today. we had a lil get together that turned into a party @ the crib last night.. and as done as i was, and as much fun as i was havin i was still pretty (BLAH) . and my closest frends still new suttin was wrong wit me... which is weird cuz nmw everyone always thinks... courtney is so effin happy. so now it makes me wonder if im really more stressed than i think i am.

for one. i have this particular dilemma goin on.. that is too confidential to even put here.. but if ur close to me, u kno wut im talkin about. i still dont no the answer to my problem. nor what im gunna do about it. and on top of that.. i dont feel much support. i feel like im bein chocked by money right now.... like omg i hate the idea of money and everything around it. i was doin pretty good handling my money shiet.. workin 2-3 jobs.... payen rent and my car but suddenly its all just.... damn court, how u gunna pay all this? and on top of that im supposed to start classes next week. AHH. life is really hard right now.. and i hate askin people for help. like i wont even ask my mom for 5 bills.


i could write for days about how much the money shiet is erkin my brain but besides that... i feel mad tension between me and my roomate.. even though me and him r like extra close and shiet, the money, rent, and other (situation).. is really takin a toll on us... it suckssss huevos man, for reals.............. cuz we are such care-free. chill ass people.. and we get along so well but all this shiet piling up is not helping....... we were considering moving from this apt... but its such a fuckin DOPE apt.... we wld be losing a gem, no bullshit. but our damn landlord... HE could kiss my ass.. no bullshit... aaaaaahhhh idk wut else to say. chanel is coming over and i guess ima do the 3,000 pounds of laundry i have and try to shed some stress from my head. dueces.


p.s..... my boo d.wade is #1 in scoring in the nba right now. take that kobe.

Postin' a Prayer

So i just gotta take tha time to shout out my 2nd mom... Olga.... sharlyn, ruben, roly, and lando's mom..... you were always a strong woman and i kno youll pull through. i been prayen ever since i heard. sharlyn, your like my lil sis and i love you with all my heart... and im always gunna be here for u... and ruben.. even though things got rough between us and we went our separate ways i still want u to kno im here for you and ya moms is in my prayers... i love yall ! real talk, and i love you Olga!

scared

so one thing i never like to admit is when im scared. but to tell u the truth im always scared. of alot. i do alot of other shit in my life to cover that up..... cuz when im high or with my close friends i seriously have no worries in the world. but then theres those moments (like right now) when im like super worried about like everythin in my life... money.. my car... my future.. my mom... bein in love, not bein in love... aye yiy yiy...


blah i know this blog is whack but i was outside smoking... i kno i was supposed to quit for new yrs UGH... but i cldnt stop thinkin about everythin... when i was younger there was so many things i wanted for myself when i grew up..... and all of those things r opposite of how i am right now.


randomness i know. but ehhh. my current issues right now. i think im in love. but im scared to let myself do it again. i never let myself be completely happy nemore cuz ive had my happiness taken away in the past. i dont even wanna get too close 2 my mom. cuz im scared shell be taken away. errrrrrrr . i wish i could fix so many things but i kno now, i cant fix anythin i wanna fix... if its meant to be.. itll be ....


life is what you make it afterall..

4:15 am..umm pay it forward?

Okayyyy so im on some insomnia status right now... for sum reason my mind is full of crazy ass shiet.. ok not maniac shiet but just crazy ass shiet... ya dig. like first and formost.... whyyyyyy are there so many people in the world that take life and things in it for granted so much..???

so many people say "you only live once, so ima do whatever i want" ... ok KUDOS to you. but if that includes wasting away ur life doin ntn at all productive... ummmm... i dont think thats why God gave you life. but wutever, as someone in my past always said "To each is Own" ... and i think i finally get what he meant with that. but like seriously. i completely and TOTALLY believe that everyday is a gift and you should life everyday as if it were your last... call me tacky I DONT CARE... but whats the point in biting your tongue, or holding back things your really feel or need to say.... in this case.. you really DO ONLY LIVE ONCE... like ok i cant change the world, well actually maybe i could, seeing as though anythin is possible... but lets be serious for a moment people... if you love someone, they should know it. if you care about someone you should show it. la la la, idc if it sounds corny...... you have no idea how a few simple words of compassion or a caring gesture could change someones entire day, moment, life... anythin. i completely believe in the "pay it forward theory" .... and if the world actually did it, id def. love the world 100x more. why be negative? theas already so much of it in the world, so much to hold u back from experiencing things and people.....

One thing in my life that has changed it forever. ive had someone tell me that because of me, they didnt kill themselves. and ever since then.....i will never again doubt that i am a good person. you never kno what any given person could be goin thru.. or what could be goin thru their mind. tha moment u bump into someone in tha supermarket and you dont care to say "im sorry" or even "my bad".... you never kno how that could affect any 1 person.... and because you dont know, you should always be courteous.....

GREATFUL is somethin many people are NOT. for every little thing, every breath of air, every snowflake, booger, pillow case, friend, love, pain, ANYTHIN. you should be greatful, cuz whether it be good, bad, or indifferent... it was there for a reason, and it either taught you, supported you, intrigued you, changed you, built you, or burned you. but it did somethin that helped you be who you are today. and one thing is for sure, if you live righteously.. and you keep it real all the time... at the end of the day youll never have to worry about shit. someone could run up in your house and shoot you in the face,, but youll die with dignity.. knowin you did all you could in this world, and the ones you love kno you love them..

sometimes i wonder... the few people out there that do dislike me... hate me... wanna fight me.... or even my ex who simply wants me out of his life... i wonder what ive done to these people... cuz honestly i judge myself on the same standards i judge others... and if i werent me, id like me. if that makes sense lolz. so while were on this topic.. i just wanna say to my haters.. fuck yall. everyone now-a-days is thankin their haters n shit.. but fuck that... you shouldnt hate on me.. u shld learn from me.... cuz at one point i was WHERE UR AT.. and even if it sucks.. theres gunna be many more after you that will be whea u are.. and will be hatin on u. its a vicious cycle.. but as i said already... as long as you keep it real.. it will never matter what happens or what people say.. cuz at the end of the day they aint got shit on you ....

in conclusion... after ive been all over the universe with this blog... i just wanna add that i trully do appreciate each and every person in my life, out of my life, who fucked me over, but most importantly the ones who have stood by myside thru everythin. i honestly feel lucky as hell to have so many ppl holdin me down for so long. i kno i got some real ones if weve been down for over 7 yrs, 12 yrs, etc.... real talk. mad love for my crew,, and even my friends far away who still keep in contact wit me. if your my friend you kno id do nethin for you.... and jus kno.. ur appreciated. and to all of you who take the time to read my blogs.. KUDOS to yall mis amors..... im glad you like to take the tour into my mind.... its pretty cool to me. and to mr. mcdaniel, since you will most likely read this, and if not SOMEONE will show you that its here.... you should really take a look at ur life. and if you think ur livin right.. then keep goin... and to his fake ass friends who did me wrong. karma is a bitch bitch bitch hahahahahaha. and at the end of the day yall aint got shit on me... and u kno why???

cuz i kept it real. ;)




Goooooodnight world. 4:34 am

My Army BOY !!

So i just got a message from my best friend rob over in IRAQ .... man i miss the hell outta him and i am sooo proud of him. its crazy how 2 of the closest dudes i got are both in tha military... rob and hogan i seriously love and miss tha hell outta u two !


but newayysss. its so good to hear from rob... i cant believe hes overseas..... feels like we JUST had his goin away party.... im so crazy proud of my boy.. real talk.. hes doin so good for himself. but him goin away just reminds me that u gotta live everyday as your last and keep everyone you love close to your heart......

IM HOLDIN IT DOWN FOR YOU BROWNIE MAN ! =D







Love youu!

Im Wrong When Your Gone ..

so keri hilson wrote this dope song called "wrong when your gone" is been sung by jennifer lopez and melissa jimenez .... everyone has their own opinions of who sings it better... but the song is ill no matter who sings it. keri does it tha best since it is her song, cough cough. but its def worth checkin out.


keris version= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkxhdJ8NDZU

J.lo's version= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl4HGCSycEQ

Melissa jimenez version= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5q4CDTLrVs

Guess I Should Have Shut My Mouth
But I Had To Get It Out
So Much For Being Headstrong
Now Im, Going Halfway Out My Mind
I Know I Was Outta Line
No Scratch That, I Was Dead Wrong
Know I Shoulda Let It Go But I Just Had To Be Right
Coulda Left It Alone
But No, I Had To Be Right
Swear I Woulda Just Fell Back If I Knew All I'd Be Left With Is These
Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas Cuz You're Gone

Now Im Here Trippin
Cuz You Came Up Missin
And My Head Keeps Spinnin
It's Gettin Outta Control
I'm Backin Down This TimeI Don't Wanna Fight
I Don't Care Who's Right
Cuz I'm Wrong When You're Gone
When You're Gone[x3]

Heaven knows if you were here I'd be all up in your ear
Least you could do is answer your phone Cause I realize my mistake
Baby I'll do what it takes if I could just get you one on one
Know I Shoulda Let It Go But I Just Had To Be Right
Coulda Left It Alone
But No, I Had To Be Right
Swear I Woulda Just Fell Back If I Knew All I'd Be Left With Is These
Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas Cuz You're Gone
Now Im Here Trippin
Cuz You Came Up Missin
And My Head Keeps Spinnin
It's Gettin Outta Control
I'm Backin Down This Time
I Don't Wanna Fight
I Don't Care Who's Right
Cuz I'm Wrong When You're GoneWhen You're Gone[x3]

I Know I Pushed You Out
Runnin Off At The Mouth
Sayin All The Wrong Things
Callin You Out Your Name
I Was Unpredictable
I Was So Emotional
I Swear I'm Gonna Do Better
Can We Get This Back Together Again
[Pre-Chorus:]Now Im Here Trippin
Cuz You Came Up Missin
And My Head Keeps Spinnin
It's Gettin Outta Control
I'm Backin Down This Time
I Don't Wanna Fight
I Don't Care Who's Right
Cuz I'm Wrong When You're Gone
When You're Gone






and on another note. i been jammin HARD to "chopped n screwed" by my dude t-pain.. but can someone plz explain to me wtf it means if youve been chopped n screwed?? OUCH.

Dedicated..

So ive been thinkin alot lately about this 1 person in particular. not even on some lovey dovey shiet... just like.... thinkin. blah.. yall will understand once u read this. i can feel him changing me day by day.. its like i was meant to meet him and be in the situations we are in now...... hes JUST LIKE ME.... even though ive known him for over 2 yrs, we JUST became tight...

thing is... hes finally opening up 2 me.. and he makes me hate every person who has ever done him wrong in the past... cuz to be brutally honest... hes GREAT.. but life scares him and i can see it in his eyes. like how do you convince someone that LIFE is gunna be okay?? why should he believe me.. i mean im only myself. hes like my best friend, like my long lost soulmate , cept were only meant to be friends.. if that makes sense. the boy i never thought id see cry, i seen cry....... and it almost felt invogorating.. cuz he trusted me of all ppl to cry infront of. when you start 2 get older, its times like this im so happy im such a deep person. no BS. i wish i cld let the whole world in my head for 1 day and make everyone a lil happier even if it was just for one moment. and that is what i plan to do with him. let him see what goes on in my head.. and let him kno its okay not to understand everything... cuz in life youll never understand everythin.. cuz shit if u did, whats the freakin point in living???


im just rambling (as usual) ..... but everyone who KNOWS me.. knows who this blog is dedicated towards... and to this person i jus wanna say... i love you so MUCH. everyday with you just gets better and better.. not only have u helped me with myself but you helped me understand myself and know my WORTH. your awesome to 100th power and any girl would be so lucky tohave you.. realll talk....

You Know What i just remembered...

Lifes One big Party when ya Still Young,
But whos Gunna Have ya Back when its All done?


Seriously. if you give some in depth thought to that line right thuuurr.. ya whole life might change. NO BULL.

Growin' Up.

....is scary as hell. everyone is always tellin me how ILL it is that i got my own car and my own apt. this , that, n tha 3rd.. but yall dont really understand the responsibility and MONEY and hard work that is behind it all. like the 600-800$ i spend a month on rent & bills i cld be fuckin ballin wit so much more. which reminds me... a yr ago .. i wasnt even makin that much in a month, nevamind spendin that much just on bills. pssssh. life was so easy and carefree when i was younger. i swear some cats have no idea how good they have it to be able to stay @ home wit momma and be an adult but still have ya fams payen for things. i mean yall sure nuff aint learnin ntn, but it must be nice havin almost no responsibilities...

Dont get me wrong, i am damn proud of myself. ill be in tha car jammin to tha radio, and yall kno al these "independent" woman songs that every chick seems 2 love.. but yo.. every word is ME. own crib own car 3 jobs. whoaaa buddy. i am proud of myself. call it cocky but im only 19 and im doing what i want and doin it myself.


ehhh back on topic..... when i was younger... or even a yr ago... i thought id be the all-around college student livin in a dorm all 4 yrs... graduatin in '11 .. bein average... but ive realized so much... like college is so over-rated and expensive for no reason. no1 thinks how much they r gunna have 2 pay back..... but it sucks believe me, cuz im already payen for it. it shldnt cost u an arm and a leg just to follow ur dreams, reaaall talk.... ppl think they need this school or that school. but education is education no matter where u go, its all about how u process it and apply it to your life. so that is why i went from a 46,000$ a yr school in a dorm, to livin the life i always wanted to, and goin to school for free @ community college. woop woop.


in conclusionnnnnn...... this society makes the young kids think they gotta go to the best schools, or the party schools or this or that. that doesnt teach you anything. higher education shld be teachin u responsibility and life lessons , not spoiling you or enclosing you inside walls of false realities. so honestly.... fuck these insititutions that charge thousands and thousands of dollars to recite knowledge enclosed in books we cld teach ourselves. education shld not just be for those who can afford it, but for those who are willing to USE it.

but this is all just my opinion afterall.

CAMERA

Soooooo @ the new yrs bash... i lost my camera containing MUCHO flicks from new yrs @ my party (tear,tear) .... soooooo just thought id remind everyone im turning 20 in like 3 months and i need a new camera. lmao.

YES, really.

in regaurds to an earlier post by an alien being id rather remain annonymous..... i guess all i ever did was care about myself. which to me is rather hilarious considering when i was in my last relationship... i did everything FOR HIM... to the point where i forgot what i actually wanted. i got so wrapped up in being in love.. i swear i lost 3 yrs of my life believing that what we had was real. no1s perfect in this world, beleeeeeeev that... but i was a damn good girlfrend. and i wont let anyone take that away from me....

lets rewind this for a moment...

i dont wana sit here and point fingers as if my ex was some crazzed maniac that fuckd me over and ruined my life. although after all he put me thru.. i wish i cld. (lolz) but let me just add that this man was one of the best people i ever met in my life. he opened my world up to so much and taught me that life was more than just black and white.... and showed me that there was in fact REAL , GOOD men out there. we connected in some crazy ways.. i think it went straight to our heads.. we were young and sprung as hell... and mind you, this started in '05.. heads were youngins like whooooaa. but all in all, i loved this dude with every ATOM in my body, lolz. n das alot. everyone knew it.... everyone knew who we was.... that was my other half. everything he did. i was proud as hell of him. and even if he doesnt believe it. to this day... i am extremely proud of him and all hes done with himself. who knows why we ended up where we are today... cuz i sure dont..... but i kno everyone has their own shit to spit about us and opinions of our relationship.. but honestly i dont givva fuck cuz no1 will ever know how it was between us.. all we went thru and all we did... i cant help but have love and respect for this dude.. no matter what he puts me thru.. hell always be my first love. the one who showed me real love, and let me feel my first heart break. but i cant hate him for that... thats life.... u live and u learn... and i wish him nada but happinessss.

----

but back to my main point. i G'd it out for this dude. gave everything day in, and day out.. but in the end im rememberd as bein selfish and only thinkin bout myself... i find that mind boggeling .... cuz i dont no any other bitch who wld have done and put up with wut i did.. but just like a friend of mine told me.... no1 realizes shit right away it takes time. and you kno wut else? ill let you throw dirt on my name.. and theas not even a need for me to come back at you.. cuz if i wanted to , i could make ya ass look silly as hell, but im betta than that. plus i got too much love for u.. and i wldnt disrespect u like that. but just remember... everything comes out in time. and you should really practice wut u preach boo boo, cuz u neva miss what u had until its GONE.


and as for everyone who sat there and had suttin to say about me and him. fuck yalll. we had haters for dayssss. and its just sad that we let them get to us. but aye.... keep it chirpin Yall.


and as YOU, dont forget who you are. like kanye said... dont make a fake ass fasade that u cant keep up. i love you but..... believe me when i say this.. i am done with you. dueces

seriously, i had to.

Of All people i know, i think i should have had one of these for years. ask any of my friends or ex boyfriends... i write ALOT. as for me....... ive never had the same day more than once... kinda like how no1 has the same finger print type shit. my mind never stays in one place.. and im always thinking outside the box. ive lived, loved, been here, there, lost a few, gained a lot, and in the end still remained humble 'ol courtney. life keeps smackin me on my ass but i keep coming back harder........ Throughout this ima just write write and share how i feel. afterall that is the purpose of a blog right? RIGHT. feliz navidad, HOES.